Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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