Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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