Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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