watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
