Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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