I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize