Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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