dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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