he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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