My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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