Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize