im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
