I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
