My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
