So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
