I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i dont even know how to be here
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
