so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
