Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
