break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
