this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
They have beer where we have blood.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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