Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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