The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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