Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
