Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
