New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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