So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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