Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize