Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
