Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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