yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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