Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
