I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
