I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
