dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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