He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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