Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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