my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
