Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
