my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
