I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize