Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
