My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
