bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
