So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
