dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
