Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
