Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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