Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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