tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
