If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
