Can i not drive my cunt home
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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