I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
this must be what syphilis tastes like
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
