woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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