Betty ford says i'm here all night
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
