finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
