So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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