i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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