There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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