I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
