I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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