I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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