It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
